Journal - June 06 - July 06

15th june 2006

And so I begin once again….

After burning my last journal, I kinda regretted it because there was some truly heartfelt pieces of writing inside it. But I guess the reason I burnt it was because it was too painful aswell. Its all good expressing yourself, but when you reflect back on it, that’s your heart. My heart was constantly breaking.. But you know the sad thing..it still is..
I really tried not to write so hearfelt but the fact is, I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about my feelings and emotions..

Everything is so confusing.. so much is going on… There is Me: Ive fallen for someone im close to. She is also a woman. Then there is her: Her feelings were mutual, but she is seeing someone else. But also developed feelings for an another person aswel who id say she is into the most. And im getting nothing nothing.. But there is another person involved. He is closely related to the person ive fallen for. He is really into me.. Right now it makes sense where I should sway to. The person who is into me is amazing, will bend over backwards for me. And its winding me up so badly.. Because im trying so so hard to win her love. It’s a lost cause.. its hurting me so much.. its all I think about.. I keep asking myself why. .Why say all those things to me? Why kiss me? Its all a big game to her, it really is. In the beginning I resisted.. Coz I didn’t want to hurt her. Then slowly, slowly, the barriers came down.. I opened up, I told her how I felt which was hard considering the circumstances. So I opened my heart again.. and again.. and I told her, be careful with my heart. It feels like she has just dismissed it all completely.

I wonder if she is aware? I said the other night that I still had feelings for her. She said its cool but didn’t return it. All week ive got SHIT back. im fed up and keep trying to lock off a bit but I cant. My heart just cant. I just feel such a crazy mix of emotions. So angry about it, yet ive fallen so badly. Im so mixed up.

The guy whos fallen for me has so much to give..he blows me away.. We did fool about.. But does it make it worse that when I say he is closely related, he is infact the brother of the woman I have fallen for. Its fucked up. Coz I know who I really want. Its so crazy, I don’t understand how she has the ability to do this. More importantly, why im even bothering! Why am I wasting my time? One: She is with someone else and has feelings for a third person. It makes me so mad. I just want to tell her all this that im saying now, but its not that easy. I love and care for her so much. I don’t want to push her away, like Ive kinda done already.. I just wish it could have been like it was before and then just progressed into something beautiful.. But it hasn’t.. and I don’t think it will..

Midnight..

I hate the way im feeling.. The confusion.. Whats right, whats wrong.. He told me tonight he is infatuated with the thought of me.. See, its kinda hit me that nothing will ever happen between me and her. First it was because her lover is also someone I know and im friends with. That was difficult enough. But now, with the feelings her brother feels.. How could I ever turn around and tell him how it really is. It would break him. For fucksake, this is all breaking me! I cant feel normal about getting with him when she is there.. or can i? See, I just don’t know.. If I do continue the ‘playing’ with her brother, does that mean I can still play with her? She claims she is up for messing about.. Coz her relationship isn’t exactly a relationship at the moment.

But surely there should be boundaries.. I cant play them both. I alredy have done things with both and that’s what im finding hard to deal with. Its fucked up. Is she backing off coz of him too? Or coz she simply don’t give a fuck anymore? I don’t know.. But deep inside, I cant explain the cutting feeling im feeling. Ive been having to accept things for how they are for AGES. Its one thing after another.. Im FED up! Im drained.. im tired/ But I cant fucking let go of this feeling. Everything felt so magical before. What happened..? What did I do wrong…? Why...? I guess ill never know…

16th june 2006 - 11.30pm

Well.. regarding my feelings at present, its all very crazy. I moraless got her blessings today. To be completely honest, it actually cut me up hearing it. At the end of the day, my heart lies with her. But the fact that I got her blessings today.. well that’s just her way of getting out of why we shouldn’t be together and so she can do what she needs to do with her lover and whoever else she is infatuated with. It hurts.. because its going to cause me to act very irrational tomorrow and in front of her. And the next day il feel even more shit. I know myself..i hate myself for whats going to happen.

She said to me today that she is stepping back because she doesn’t want him to feel jealous.. That’s so fucked up. It all is.. Truthfully its her I want..i just cant deal with my emotions. I just feel so upset by it all. I only ever wanted her. And now I don’t ever think I will… Time.. We delay situations to buy us time.. That way we never have to see it through.. Its truly fucked me up though. Because im only going to act in ways I really don’t want to..




Melissa Etheridge – Breathe.
I played the fool today
I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you
I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe
And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you
I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe
My window through which nothing hides
And everything sees
I'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between
Home, is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you
I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe
Yeah, it only hurts when I breathe,
when I breathe Oh,it only hurts when I breathe


18th June 2006

I look across at you.. I hear your voice, see your smile. And it hurts so much inside. Cause your heart don’t belong to me and probably never will. Im not even sure where it belongs. I know where you want it to belong and it isn’t with me. I look at you and wonder.. do you even realise? I mean, do you see how cut up I am? Im crying out.. Not aloud, but look at me. Look into my eyes. Im trying so hard to accept things. I just want to talk to you and tell you but I cant even do that. You just don’t want to know.. It cuts like a knife.

Ive only ever shown you my sincerest love.. my affection.. Ive opened my heart on countless occasions. I only ever wanted to just be the one to provide all the happiness you ever needed. I really thought you did too. You played your game so well. You really did. . The stories about time.. Its more of a “have your cake and eat it” story. For some reason im still holding on. Im not even sure why. Maybe Im hoping that one day you will change your mind. But that isn’t the case. It never will be. Its too late for anything now.. There was a chance somewhere… But the fact is, you chose convenience over something so true… and it’s a sad thing… I just really thought we would be. I’ve got to accept this even if it carries on cutting me up inside…


Susie suh – Wont you come again


What do I say
On this january day
When all my thoughts have gone astray
But I'm thinking 'bout you And what do I do
When I'm black and I'm blue
And I'm still loving you
But I know it was meant to end
Oh, I'm missing you Or maybe I'm just missing who I was
When I was with you
Oh love, oh love Oh won't you come again
Take me in your arms and hold me
Make me feel new again
And how do I convey All the words that I could never say
To you when you were around
Oh, I'm missing you Or maybe I'm just missing how I felt
When I was with you
Oh love, oh love Oh won't you come again
Take me in your arms and dance with me
Make me feel alive again Oh love,
oh love Won't you come again Take me in your arms and hold me
Make we want to laugh and sing
Make me want to love again


20th june 2006.

I wont even tell it to your face anymore. I mean, my feelings, I cant even justify them to myself. Let alone tell you how I actually feel. Its plain to see that you have certain feelings to other people, not just your lover. Whats even more hard is I know there is something there between us, but not anything we are prepared to act on.

When I lie next to you and you pull me so close and put your arms around me, it all feels so right. And when you respond when I do it back, it just drives me completely insane, because at that point, I just want to hold you, kiss you and let that moment be about you and i. It never gets to that because of the shit surrounding the situation.

Part of me always thinks, “what are you doing?” but the other part of me just cant let go of the situation. Its doing my head in. But I cannot tell you… we are so past that, that we can only joke. The fact is, ive fallen for you so badly.. & I cannot say..i can only express it on paper.. I didn’t want last night to end… I wasn’t even sleeping properly, just so I could enjoy every moment being so close to you.. Time eh? Time is against me. I have this feeling it will never be by my side….


23rd June 2006
Midnight.

The situation has gone beyond ok. Im finding things so hard to deal with. Im finding this whole thing fucked up. I cant come to terms with the fact that im not thought of in that way anymore.. I don’t want him.i cant. I want her. Yet shes treating me like a fuck. All I ever wanted was to show her I could be the one to share my dreams with her. Make her happy. But its all gone so wrong.. Im crying out to her; Not literally, but its in my eyes… I cannot handle being ignored the way I am. No texts, no response, no attention my way because its all going in the direction of a woman who isn’t even interested..
I know im too nice. Im trying to stop, its just so difficult. Its getting worse. I know what I want right now, its her. She occupies most of my thoughts. I tell her all of how I feel and she dismisses it. I know her outlook on us has changed. I just cant get my head around it. I cant accept it…


24th June 2006
10.40pm

When Reality comes and slaps you in the face…

Today ended up being one emotional fuck up! I saw him today. The guy infatuated with me. I knew id see him at her house, but actually seeing him, he gave me some awkward shit, hardly a hello or goodbye, and everyone noticed. And when he walked me to the bus stop, he opened up to me. Saying how he is developing feelings for me and how its all so difficult. I felt choked..i had to tell him its not going beyond what it already has. It was difficult because of how I feel for “her”, who he is related to. He is feeling for me what im feeling for her. Not only does that hurt because coz I know how he is feeling, but its because I feel it for his relative. Its fucking me up. He is perfect and spoke to highly of me, but I had to dismiss it because of my feelings for “her”. Even if nothing happens between us, I cannot take that risk. I have too many feelings for her. Its all hurting so much. I just wish it was easier. I mean, why did this situation encounter me? I cant deal with it. I cant deal with my own feelings let alone me hurting someone by doing nothing. Its too much…
It all works out in the end right? I don’t fall much but when I do, I fall hard. And this is all working against me so much. I feel like I am trapped in this web. I cannot get out of it..

“Liberate yourself from the web of deceit, the spider wants to make believe you are a fly.”


27th June 2006

Im just standing here thinking… Reflecting.. The thought of her stays embedded in my mind.. and everything im feeling…So is he for me. How confusing one would say! But ive done what I needed to do with him, it all backfired and he is hurt and ive probably pushed her away. But ive told him its not going to happen and ive told her about my feelings regarding ‘that’ situation. So maybe she will take me more serious? Its so scary to say, but she could definitely be the one person to make me change my whole life around. I would as well if it meant us being together.. That’s how deep it is. Im trying to pretend it doesn’t bother me, but the truth is ive fallen so hard and I just ant seem to get up.. The only way ill get back up is if she rescues me…


2nd July 2006

I don’t even know…

How things can change eh? I mean, one minute you can be in one thing, the next minute it all changes in such a way that its weird!
After putting an end to things with her Brother, theres been minor disagreements between us. I do not appreciate the way he spoke to me at the Pride and the way he tried to kiss me. Its obvious when he lashed out that he cant take the rejection. I aint bought it up to him yet but il make sure he knows that no one talks to me like that. The more I think of what happened, the more angry I get and more cringe worthy I feel. I SO fucked up! My friend R reckons that my woman im lusting for, we’l call her N, knew exactly what I was trying to do and that’s why she let it carry on because she knew I wouldn’t be able to see it. If she did think like this, she was right. I cant ever go there, because I feel too much.

Lately again, slowly things are happening and being said. I can just feel it between us. Its so intense. Just her saying or remarking on something or her being close to me, I cant help but be turned on. She has the ability to work my mind and knows exactly how to do it. She knows it too. It is like a game. A game I hate and love. For example, at the Pride she was dancing real close to me staring like a naughty girl.. And I was like “your so bad, why you doing this..?” and her response was “because I can..” It drives me wild.. She also made jokey comments about me and her sleeping together because im staying over.. Will she make a move with her brother and lover in the room? I don’t know, but the thought of us together drives me crazy.

Shes a tease.. I know that, so does she. But still, I love it. Its like the red dress. She sees this red dress when we were out, it was so sexy. She started talking about wearing with with sexy lingerie and grow her hair very long and blond. Because ive said I like that. She knew the image would trigger my thoughts. Damn, I just want to be close to her. Shes occupying my thoughts forever…



5th July 2006

Giving up.. am I giving up?
Im thinking about all this crazy stuff surrounding my head and I feel to give up on it. Its not that easy though. I don’t want to lose what I do have. I couldn’t bear it….
But what do I do? I cant deal with the hot and cold. I cant deal with my “jokey” remarks being rejected. Sometimes she just completely changes the subject which makes me feel uncomfortable for even talking in the first place.