9th July 2006

Why.. am I feeling like this? This is all getting so crazy. I mean, why am I still hanging around? Its been over 7months now. She knows just how to keep me in her sights and I fall for it every time. Im trying to talk to other people but its not the same. Coz its her that does it for me. The weird fact here is that if she was a guy, I would not have taken this shit. At all. I try too hard don’t i? Im making a deal what from now to her birthday im only texting when need be. No more nice me. I always say that to myself but then give in. Its sad..coz ive felt so much pain and heartache. And no one really knows except for R. I remember when we was in the fucking twilight.. It was all perfect. Then the other one came along, using her shit charms, who she decided to get a crush on. And here we are.. she still has the crush when this other woman is with someone. Its fucked up. If she really wanted to see N, she would have made more effort but shes always too “busy”. Whatever. You MAKE TIME when you wanna see someone. But she aint too busy to see her girlfriend is she. Course not. That’s why I just feel to tell N to get over it.
Testing time.. her Birthday.. if her crush doesn’t turn up, im going to voice it, I don’t care. God forbid if she does tho. Im just gonna smile.. or it’d be great if she bought her partner. I don’t think shes coming though. We’ll see.. Right now, my feelings run so deep but im so wound up too. I just want to be with her. Embrace her, kiss her, her to want me the way I want her.. She did once.. Till the other one came along and fucked it all up so badly. So fucking badly that im back to the place before square one.. im nowhere fucking near.


12th July 2006
12.55am

I remember once saying… .
“I don’t want the day to come where your gonna after everything you said, turn around and say your in love with her….”
Her response: “I would never do that to you..”
Well….Surprise! I got hit with that fabulous news today! She tells me she needs advice and begins saying how shes feeling stuff for her lover as they were on a on and off ‘break’ kind of thing and that coz she was seeing other people, she couldn’t handle it. And you know what that done to me? I got that feeling deep inside me,, Where your stomach knots up? And you get all hot and you want to be sick.! I didn’t know what to say.. even she turned around to me and went “you don’t want to talk about this do u?” Come on, for fucksake of course I fucking don’t! I mean, its one thing having to see it in your face but then that person who you’ve fallen so hard for to tell you how they feel for another, and that they just haven’t been interested in anyone else otherwise they woulda gone ahead and done something… Well that’s just like them plunging a knife into the heart.
I just thought to myself “has she forgotten?” Its like shes completely dismissed me. I know this sounds crazy, but after everything she has told me, shes got so deep about how she feels about me.. what am I supposed to do?

I don’t understand the way she works. I was so choked speaking to her and when she tried to give me the 143’s and then “you’re my life” it was too much. I cried.. I cried coz I was hurt, Ive never felt so hurt. Its all so intense. & out of everyone, R is the only one who knows. Don’t know what id do without her. Ts been since November, ive endured a fucking rollercoaster of emotions. Eight months. Up down high low. Sometimes I think theres a chance because she gives methe tinyest bit of hope. Then she takes it from me. Ive had to endure so much pain and emotion watching her like everyone and dismiss me. Ive had to be there for her and hold my feelings back and suffer in silence.
With her birthday like so near, im going to have to see them close.. And with the news being so fresh, that’s going to crush me. Its going to destroy me. I know how im going to feel in the morning when I see her. Im not gonna want her to come too close. And in bed, if she goes to hug me, (which as it stands, she probably wont) Im not going to do it back. I cant bear it. I don’t know, but after tomorrow, ive got to stop it all… the texts, the flirting… Well actually from now. Its got to stop. Im not helping myself. You know, it hurt more when I told her, coz I did. – I had to tell her how I felt: So I put: “I need to get this off my chest… after what you told me today, it really kinda hurt me… only coz how I feel for you… I mean, your not stupid, you know how it is… and hearing you tell me what you was feeling, it was difficult.. I don’t want you to think im upset with you because I aint babe. I know what I gota do now… I know nothing will probably happen with me and you.. and I just need to be your friend. Its about accepting, which I guess im finding hard. But as your friend, I want you to be happy always. And as much as it hurts, I aint gonna lie, you have my blessing in whatever you decide to do.”
Her reply was: “babe listen, it does not change the way I look or feel either about you. You should know… its just at this point in my life, im going through a lot myself. But I do love her and regret losing without trying. But always know I love you too. Things are just too complicated for me.”
So I replied: “you don’t need to explain anything to me. Its ok. I know things are hard for you but im just finding it hard because no ones ever known how I feel except you and I cant talk to anyone. And its doing my head in babe. But that’s life. Its just difficult, but I love and care for you so much, I only want to see you happy.. “
To which I got no reply (wasn’t expecting it anyway.)
This is one of the hardest things ive had to do…get over her and start accepting…


13th July 2006
8.45am

The feeling of emptiness surrounds me this morning. Yesterday was a very big emotional fuck up for me. It was extremely difficult to put my feelings aside and play the friend and be there for HER because everyone would let her down. Except me. I was there all day trying to cheer her up. Everyone let her down, but her crush letting her down really fucked her up. So on top of having to get my head around one thing, I got to watch another. Then having to watch her and her on off lover talk about things and kiss her at times. Its fucked me up so badly. And I had to just sit there and be the sympathetic friend.

She at one point, she began telling me how her feelings towards me have never changed but at this time in her life… she never finished it. Of course she never finished it. I’m only the fuckwit that’s hung about for the past eight months. She don’t need to tell me. I just felt like such a burden. And when she went to her lovers room and getting all sleepy, I got into bed and waited..thinkin she’d come. So I waited and she didn’t. so I got up and turned out the light. I think my frustration may have shown because 10minutes later, she came in, got into bed and pulled me close to her. I didn’t respond so much back. but I did at times. But my frustration went beyond yesterday. I was so fired up I was ready to fight someone in the street because of my anger. Its all her doings. All her. She has taken me for a ride and still is trying to. She cant have both. As hard as it is, I know what I gotta do.. I need to cut off… she told me to call her later. I don’t want to but I feel I should. See, its all so fucked.


7.20pm

I cant handle my thoughts… they are too painful. Thoughts of her trying to be affectionate. It hurts me… ive constantly been thinking about her and out situation. Its fucking depressing me. I feel so angry… with myself, with her, everything. I know ill move on. But right now I cant see past the pain im feeling. Its too much inside…I just feel like I want to cry constantly… its not fair…



Every Word…


Disappointment, coz she never followed through what she said,
Emptiness is the feeling she gave me, that she took away,
I feel alone, what I thought we had has gone,
I have to let go for my own sake,
Its not going to happen, I have to move on,
We both crossed boundaries on many occasions,
I just took them more seriously,
I think I was beginning to fall…
But it’s about concentrating on the friendship now…

She was full of empty words to keep me hanging on,
But I wanted her and still do,
I can’t stop thinking about her, every minute she is there,
I still pray that we may be...
I’ve cried coz of this; it’s the ultimate headfuck,
A constant feeling of upset,
I can’t even smile right now...
Maybe just maybe...
I know... I need to stop hoping...
You can’t always win the battle,
I just hung onto her every word...

I’m in lust; I have been for so long,
Since our eyes first met...
I’m feelings so much and im not even sure why..
It’s crazy...
I’ve been taken for the ultimate ride,
Never this bad before,
Right at the peak I was so at my happiest,
But when she told me how she felt the other day,
I thought I was physically going to be sick...
Was it all a lie? Did she mean all those things she said to me?
Real, she claims that’s all she ever was...
The past is haunting her,
Bout our past is haunting me...
Presently it all feels shit,
I can’t deal with the rejection,
She still claims anything could happen in the future,
She jus wants me to hang on...

8 months of time...
Time… im not waiting for time anymore...
Time is a convenience. An excuse…
Choosing “her” is a convenience,
She chose her, not me...
I’m not worthy it seems...
My heart has been crushed into a million pieces...
I can’t find my way out of this in my head,
I still thought we might be...
She is like a fix. I need my dose,
I opened my hear many times,
She took it for granted,
My heart is truly broken, like never before,
& im broken. I can’t even bear to think of good times...

The trust is broken,
I cannot open up anymore,
I can’t trust no one rite now,
She corrupted my mind, im not myself right now,
I cant end it all..
But ill try calming down... im getting colder day by day...
I’ve been tossed to the side
She don’t want me anymore,
It feels like it was all lies,
None of it feels real..
The hardest form of rejection ive ever felt in my life..

I’ve been a fool, and still am,
Coz I can’t let go...
I’m sinning by what im doing,
I should just walk away,
The desires so strong,
I’ve never craved like this before,
I knew I was playing with fire,
I just thought I wouldn’t get burned, but I did..
The risk taking can hurt a lot of people,
I guess its best not to go there,
So many people know nothing of this,
It’s not right...
It just feels like ive been taken for a ride,
& its gonna take a long time to forget it…